Magic.

I’m starting to hear it from people. I’m starting to hear it from my friends. ‘Sarah, I love your blog, but . . . it’s depressing.’ ‘Every time I read it, I cry.’ ‘You’re a great writer, but you’re bumming me out.’ ‘Can’t you write about something happy?’

I get it. Trust me. I am the one living with the thoughts that I am putting on the page. The thoughts that I am actively trying to purge, to expunge, to get rid of, through the emotional catharsis of writing.

This blog is autobiographical. It’s a reflection of me. And I’ve never been good at pretending to be something I’m not, at faking it till I make it. For better or for worse, I wear my heart directly on my sleeve. And that heart has been battered and bruised pretty badly.

Though I’ve been writing about a lot of terribly sad, depressing things, this blog is not an attempt to wallow in grief or sorrow. Rather, it is my attempt to write through the things that have been holding me back, to unpack the boxes in my heart that were filled for so long with dark secrets, and to hope that by telling the painful truth – all of it – I’ll finally set myself free.

It has not been an easy road. Let’s be honest: ignorance is bliss. And the topics I’ve been writing about are incredibly tough to digest. Most people don’t want to be reminded of the fragility or the unpredictability of their lives. They don’t want to think about the fact that their loved ones could die, that their relationship could end, that the foundation upon which they built their life could crumble, that one day, in one instant, everything could be different.

I used to be firmly in that camp. I didn’t want to think about those things, didn’t want to talk about those things, didn’t want to go there. Really bad things were just things that happened to other people. Until they happened to me. I never could have guessed in a million years that the onslaught of trauma that was coming for me would arrive at my doorstep. Until it did.

It hasn’t been all bad. Though I’ve been fighting – kicking and screaming, really – to get through this dark phase, occasionally, I give it a rest, take a breath and look back. And when I survey the events of the last two years – with different eyes, with a sharply different perspective – thinking about where I’ve been, where I am now, I feel proud. Proud of myself for making hard choices. Proud of myself for doing what was best for me, even though it hurt. Proud of myself for learning when I needed to be strong, and when it was OK not to be. Proud of myself for being honest about where I’m at, for never folding or giving up, for continuing to put one foot in front of the other. And I’m proud of myself because in my own small, flawed way, sharing my story has been my attempt to not only help myself, but to try to help other people as well.

Sharing my story has opened up doors for me in surprising ways. I’ve made new friends; met new people who share striking commonalities. I’ve been invited into an inner circle of impressive and gifted writers. I’ve gained a readership of new subscribers from all over the globe thanks to WordPress republishing one of my darkest and most painful blogs. And most importantly, writing honestly about the sad stuff has taught me how much I’ve been hiding, how many painful memories I’ve swept under the rug, how much I have been editing myself to make other people comfortable. Being starkly honest has taught me how dishonest I’ve been.

But I hear the feedback. I’ve been living it. And the truth is, I am ready to stop being such a bummer. I’m ready to shift the tone and the conversation a bit, even if it’s a struggle, even though I still feel sad a lot of the time. Lately, I’ve been meditating on Buddhist teachings, reminding myself that our thoughts make our world. That perception is reality. That if I want to be happy, I have to choose it. Easier said than done, of course. But true nevertheless.

I have been seeking inspiration – maybe even divine intervention – to heal my life. But I can see now that simply won’t cut it. If I want to be inspired, I’ve got to make it my job to inspire other people. If I want to be wonderfully, blissfully, ecstatically happy, then I’ve got to embrace happiness in every way that I can, starting with the small stuff: the beauty of a flower, the random kindness of a stranger, the rock star parking spot, the Sunday morning spent lingering over coffee with nowhere else to be. If I want to experience magic, I’ve got to create it myself.

So. Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to use this blog as a way to hold myself accountable for my re-entry process into a happier, better life. I don’t how it’s going to go. I know it won’t be easy. I know there will be bad days, growing pains, self-doubt. But I’ve reached a point where I’m ready to try. I’m ready to fall flat on my face, pick myself up, and try again. To my faithful readers: thank you. I can’t promise that this blog won’t make you cry – occasionally, or often – but I can promise that it will be more hopeful. And I can promise that I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other, and in doing so, I will – hopefully – encourage you to do the same.

Here’s to better days ahead. Here’s to believing that you, I, we, deserve them. Here’s to believing that when they do arrive, we’ll be able to recognize them, embrace them, appreciate them. Here’s to hope. Here’s to faith. Here’s to love. And here’s to magic.

Until next time, friends.

where-the-sidewalk-ends

5 thoughts on “Magic.

  1. I’ve discovered that often the truth of someone’s psychological attitude is misunderstood by mostly everyone but the people closest to them. I recently heard an interview of Laura Huxley (Aldous’s wife) and she said that almost everyone thought he was melancholic and depressed but she said he almost never was. The importance of having an outwardly “pleasant and upbeat” demeanour seems to be a type of artifact of the age fueled by advertising and college humor. An age that is riddle with the conflict of seeking individuality while trying to belong.

  2. I was rushing so I didn’t read this completely but I know what you mean about having to write through it. Keep doing what you need to do for yourself. Happier topics will come eventually but I think your writing would suffer if you forced yourself to put on a happy face so to speak. I have to write through all my stuff as well. I for one love your writing and the way you allow your readers to get to know you as we recognize ourselves in your anguish. I promise to come back and read the rest later. Sending positive thoughts and good energy. If people find reading it hard, imagine what it’s like to live it.

  3. I worried that my words of “encouragement” might end up counter-productive. But you are brave and smart and very understanding. Keep up the good work! Excelsior!

  4. Well, I laughed out loud at your first paragraph!! I do see where your friends are coming from, but they can always choose not to read! As a newbie blogger, I feel self-conscious about some of my themes, and I refrain from saying what I want. But I’d rather be like you, and just tell it like it damn well is.

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