April.

On the first day of April, I woke early, well before the sun came up, well before my alarm. There was something about this new month – the first full month of spring – that had me on edge. But not in a bad way. More in the way that it’s hard to sleep before a long voyage. Or a big job interview. Or the opening night of your play. The anticipation is palpable. The anticipation is the thing.

I traveled back to Los Angeles from London on the first day of spring. It was the longest spring day I can remember. Nineteen hours of travel all together, beginning by navigating morning rush hour traffic to Heathrow, then stuck at the airport with a delayed flight, then eleven hours on a plane, then arriving at LAX just in time for Los Angeles’s evening rush hour, then finally, blissfully, home. And as the sun sank behind the lone palm tree that towers over my little stucco bungalow, I thought about the fact that I’d spent nineteen hours chasing that very sun, pushing ever westward. And now that the sun had finally gone to bed, so too, would I.

I feel the shift to this new season in the core of my body, coming as sweet relief after winter months I carried around with me like a weight. People say that we don’t have seasons in Los Angeles, but January and February were unusually stormy and cold, pummeling the Southland with the most rain I’ve seen in my eighteen years here. But it wasn’t just the unusual weather patterns that had me feeling melancholy. It was a sadness I’ve been carrying within me for months, a sadness that’s rooted in fear and uncertainty over my future, and worries over whether I’m on the right path.

But as March wound down and the days grew longer and warmer, a newfound optimism grew within me too. Suddenly, I feel determined, rather than defeated. It’s a change that – frankly – has come as a surprise, given how quickly and abruptly it occurred.

To tell you the truth, I feel like I’ve been living (and writing about) a life in transition for practically forever. And I have been. But I think that part of the reason I still feel stuck is because many of the changes I’ve made over the last few years were changes that were forced upon me, rather than ones that I actively chose. Life got crazy – and crazy difficult – and I adapted, in order to survive.

It is quite a different thing to feel like I’m in the driver’s seat of my own life again. To be honest, it’s scary. For all my awareness about the ephemeral nature of life, I still find myself in a sort of holding pattern, paralyzed over making the big decisions I know I need to make in order to truly change. I can’t tell you how many times over the last year I’ve asked myself, “Isn’t there someone else who can do this?” But there isn’t. There’s only me.

A friend recently told me she has adopted the motto of beginning each day by tackling the most unpleasant task on her to-do list first. I like that. No time to work yourself into a frenzy worrying about it. Just do it, and be done.

So, I’ve decided that’s what April is going to be, for me. Walking right into all the things I’m worried about, as fast as I can, before I have too much time to think. Just do it, and be done. And I’m sure that’s why, as this new month dawned, I couldn’t sleep. But if I’m honest, I know this decision is the only way forward. I know I have to clear away the bad, the scary, and the difficult in order to make way for the good. I know that the only way for me to cross the bridge between where I am and where I want to be is by walking directly through all the fears and doubts that stand in my way.

So, ready or not, April, here I come. I have a feeling you’re going to be a big month.

Until next time, friends.

8 thoughts on “April.

  1. *sigh!* I can understand about life being in transition for many years, with the first changes thrust upon me! (I moved in with my daughter 4-1/2 years ago when the youngest was re diagnosed with cancer and I came to help out. My marriage died during that time… narcissists don’t like attention being taken away from them, even with a very sick child. That showed me how deep his issues were and sticking it out any longer wasn’t going to bring the changes I needed.)

    I’ve been waiting for my new life to start. A life by myself for the first time in years. Starting completely over because I lost everything in the marriage and divorce.

    I started getting down on myself a couple of days ago and I decided to dust off my tarot cards. I asked when were things going to change. Since I’m learning to read by intuition by looking at the symbols on the cards, and the first card I pulled was Temperance, I felt I was being told to be patient. My angels are actively working something out, preparing something for me ( the pouring of life water from one chalice to another).

    The next question was, well how long do I need to wait? The next card was the Death card. No, this doesn’t mean litteral death, rather the end of a cycle.

    So apparently I need to be patient and wait for the end of a cycle. The next cards were reminding me about my happy family I’m surrounded by right now.

    So, waiting patiently!
    Tamara

    • Oh Tamara! My heart goes out to you. I’m impatient by nature, but I do understand the importance of letting events unfold in the time frame that they’re meant to. And sometimes, when you aren’t sure what to do, the best thing you can do is do nothing, and simply wait and listen. In my case, I think I’ve been using this transitional period as an excuse to avoid making decisions, and I’ve been feeling like I’ve been too passive with regard to my own life. After I read your comment, I pulled out a deck of tarot cards that my niece gave me. I don’t really know how to read them, but occasionally, I will think about a question for the day and then pull a card. Mine for today was the Three of Cups, which, according to my book, is about not being afraid of emotions, being aware of my own limitations, and asking for help when I need it. That feels pretty right on.

      Thank you as always for reading and for your kind and thoughtful comments. I’m rooting for you!

      xx
      Sarah

  2. ‘….tackling the most unpleasant task on her to-do list first. I like that. No time to work yourself into a frenzy worrying about it. Just do it, and be done.’

    I like this idea. I may have to adopt for myself.

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