I’ve been writing my whole life, but until recently I never really considered myself a writer. Not like that. Writing was just something that I did. Whether they were high school essays, papers for a college journalism class, or the plays and short films I wrote when I first started acting, writing was always just something that came naturally and was fun to do, but nothing I ever took too seriously.
That all started to shift about three years ago. I’d been writing Extra Dry Martini for just a couple of months – something I started doing for fun – when my entire life fell apart. I’ve written in great detail about loss on this blog and I don’t feel the need to rehash it, but suffice it to say that the spring of 2012 through the spring of 2013 was a very difficult year for me. A very difficult year, the ramifications of which are still reverberating throughout my now very different life. When I finally came up for air and felt brave enough to write about it, I published a piece on this blog about my experiences entitled The Lost Year. And from there on out, my writing was different.
So it was that writing became less of a hobby and more of a lifeline. In the last year and a half, writing has been not only my most reliable creative outlet, but it has been my therapy. I would no sooner give it up than I would give up breathing, and in fact, I’ve often wondered if I were to give it up, if I would still be able to go on breathing.
When I feel lost or adrift, getting all those thoughts and feelings down on the page is sometimes the only thing that brings any relief. And while I don’t really believe that you can “get it all out,” there is something liberating about being able to wrap my mind around a moment, around pain or sorrow, around joy, around love, and to articulate it in such a way that it’s no longer a swirl of chaos in my brain, but something more ordered and easier to understand. Once on the page, with the words and thoughts at a slightly safer distance, I can read them with a measure of objectivity and think, maybe this thing has a little less power to hurt me than it used to.
I write out of a burning desire to transform the sad, empty spaces within me into art and in doing so, transcend the parts of me that still feel broken. And while I cherish the time I’ve spent absorbed in thought putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard, I sometimes wonder if all the hours I’ve invested in crafting pretty sentences have left me less able than before to say the things that need to be said when it comes to face to face interaction with real, live people.
At this moment, I find myself juggling two projects that will soon bridge that gap: a gap between the solitude I’ve been spending in my own little creative laboratory and the big, bad outside world. The first project is a play. In July, I’m going to stand on a stage and talk about some of the very personal, very vulnerable things I’ve been writing about on this blog as part of a solo performance workshop called (appropriately) Barenaked Angels. For the first time, I’m going to say some of the things I’ve been writing down out loud, in front of an audience. Yikes.
The second project is my screenplay, a project and process I’ve detailed in earlier posts like Putting off tomorrow and Little steps. Big steps. First steps. As I continue to work through the second draft and push toward a looming deadline to hand over scripts to actors for the first table read, I am discovering more and more that the parts of the story that aren’t yet working are the parts where I haven’t delved deeply enough into the main character’s hopes, dreams, and flaws. In other words, it’s an autobiographical story without quite enough autobiography in it.
Words are seductive. There is something exquisitely satisfying about capturing a moment on paper and thinking, yes, that’s exactly what happened, how I felt about it, and why it mattered. Words have an incredible capacity to illuminate a life. But in the end, words are not life, and one cannot live by words alone. I’m so grateful for what writing has given me – for the way it has sheltered me through pain and has allowed me to connect with the hearts and minds of other writers through this blog. I will always, always be writing. But the writer’s life is also about finding balance. A writer needs to experience the world in order to write about it, and I haven’t been doing nearly enough of that lately. So now it’s time for me to take the next step: to take the lessons I’ve learned and not just write better, but live better too.
Until next time, friends.
Extra Dry Martini 
You are an amazing and talented writer. That you are able to capture feelings so eloquently — whether they’re yours or of someone else — is a joy to read. Good luck on your upcoming projects. Please post more about them.
Aww shucks. Thank you! I will definitely keep posting about what I’m working on. 🙂
Wow some many great things going on in your life. You’re definitely living. I hope all your projects continue to bring you joy
I’m trying! Thanks so much for your kind wishes. 🙂
This piece is utterly inspiring. I can relate to your emotion as I’m about a month into writing. I started it out of emptiness and a path to clear my mind. Now I can’t think what I’d do without it, and it’s only been a month.
Where abouts are you based for this solo performance? Id love to see it. One writer supporting another is so important.
Keep it going.
Thank you! I’m doing the show in Los Angeles in mid July – Mid August. I’ll post more about it as it gets closer. 🙂
Lovely words, I often find myself reaching for pen and paper when I need to order my thoughts and understand what I’m feeling. Good to know so much positivism can come from such a process. All the best with your projects!
It’s sometimes a lot of effort to keep that positive mindset, Alexa, but writing helps so much. My best to you!
I relate to this piece on so many levels. From the time I could spell words, I have been writing to express myself in ways I verbally couldn’t. I can definitely relate to feeling comfortable in the world of words but agree with your point that you can’t always live by just the words. I really enjoy your work. I’m excited to see more of what you have in store! Good luck with your projects.
Thank you and thanks for reading!
Wow.. you have a lot of writing experience and I just started. ha.. I have a long way to go.
This is so true: “I am discovering more and more that the parts of the story that aren’t yet working are the parts where I haven’t delved deeply enough into the main character’s hopes, dreams, and flaws.” I find this in my own writing and yet it is very hard to dig deep into yourself to pull up those things that make a story work. Good luck with your projects!
you have the ability to accurately write the thoughts, feelings or moments I get overwhelmed at times. You write it so damn beautifully that it makes me aspire to do better.. GOD, this is good.
AND THIS: “Words are seductive. There is something exquisitely satisfying about capturing a moment on paper and thinking, yes, that’s exactly what happened, how I felt about it, and why it mattered.” It’s just right on the money..
When I started to read this I felt as though I was reading words I could have written myself, if I had been able to adequately articulate them as you have. Beautiful, engaging and, most important, you gave me the feeling that I am not alone in my thoughts, emotions and desires. Thank you for such a touching piece.
Reblogged this on optimistic45.
Reblogged this on theyoungambitionist1 and commented:
Absolutely in love with this.
same as mine
Inspired by this post. Been writing since I was in grade school and I just recently went back to my first love, writing (by keeping up a blog). You’ve perfectly articulated what I feel for writing. Thank you. 🙂
Courage mon brave…
When I read your blog, I sometimes hear my own thoughts and fears and it helps me not feel so alone. I also have had “a very bad year” a couple years ago, and writing is something that came out of it as well. Thank you for sharing …
Very well put! That’s exactly how I feel about writing – though sometimes it’s hard to actually pinpoint the appropriate words to describe it…
Good luck with your projects!
speechless…
Reblogged this on themiseducationofsimmie.
Woah. Your reads are lively man!
Reblogged this on sobuz12 and commented:
fantastic
I am speechless..
Excellent way of expressions to express your experience. Being a novice in writing blogs I have found a grt source of inspiration from your blogs.Carry on.
Reblogged this on lasamily and commented:
These are words from far away but they seem to say “we are connected in thoughts.”
you are an amazing writer
I like your way with words. Good article.
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the way we writes is whats make us to who we are not what we Think read this article and fouynd it good good jobb
I’d like to thank you for the efforts you’ve put in penning this website.
I am hoping to view the same high-grade blog posts by you in the future as well.
In truth, your creative writing abilities has motivated me to get
my own, personal blog now 😉
That’s pretty amazing! Kudos! 🙂
writing for me has been by far the most effective theraphy. it allows you to produce your ideas in a way that is tangible yet keeps you safe from being assulted if you fail to please.writing is somewhat a different dimension where you can be free and just be yourself.
I totally agree!